When the Water is too Deep

The water was clear with wavelets.

Heads bobbed up and down in the sea. Some were groups of friends, some were old men shouting political jokes at one another. Others were Yia Yia’s exchanging gossip and recipes while treading water. And then there was me.

Swimming in the Corinthian Gulf

I was very annoyed because when I gazed over the water, there was a sea-tanker disrupting the perfection of the Corinthian Gulf. Enormous and horrid, like unsaid words – like an elephant in a room.

When the Water is too Deep

As a child I’d routinely lock myself up in my bedroom with a bottle of cough syrup. My father was in the background slamming things around the house while cursing my existence. He had wasted years of his life changing my diapers and I was a financial burden. A waste of space. A leech to oxygen, a disgrace to life.

So in my child body with an adult mind, I surrendered to silence. So great was my desire to exit this world, yet nothing I attempted worked.

In later years, I was horrified to discover a diary from when I was 7 years old. Inside its worn pages I had scribbled I want to die over and over again.  I believe it was around then I set my greatest goal in life: to not kill myself and die a natural death.

I have long since walked away from the poison that broke my spirit.

My soul originally entered this world as a laughing, curious baby. My love for humanity and beauty of this world and belief in the kindness of strangers will never be diminished.

In This Together

We are in this water together.

Oh captain my captain..

Nobody speaks about the suicide attempt survivors. There is so much the community could learn from these beautiful sad-eyed misunderstood souls who walk among us silently, everywhere.

My inner child stills battles with the guilt of being born.

But on a deeper level I am still a laughing, curious baby and it is through this energy I live.

I will share with you my greatest secret: Everyday I take a moment to write an experience I would have missed if I were not alive. From the taste of fruit, to a glorious sunset, to a kind stranger who smiled while crossing my path.

Swimming in the gulf

Here are honest, nonjudgmental resources I turn to when thoughts are dark: Waking up Alive and Attempt Survivors

May you keep swimming, my fellow warriors.

We are in this together and you are never alone.


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